The window behind my couch shows a translucent gray sky and out my front door I see a pale blue peppered with thick clouds. I’m praying for rain. We need it desperately. I want to sit underneath the tin roof of our porch and hear the life giving drops as they splash against the metal. It produces a melody that soothes my soul. It also lends itself to hope and optimism and I could use a dose of each right about now.
I feel sad but I’m adjusting. It is because I’m so incredibly blessed that my heart is so heavy. I totally know that sounds like the craziest oxymoron and I can see the totally confused look on my husband’s face even as I write this. My pain is because our darling son-in-law, David, has been given an opportunity that will take him, our daughter, and our beautiful granddaughters over a thousand miles away from us. We are all so very close as a family and those babies have never been very far away. Now I’m forced to adjust to the distance and I just dislike it so much.
Do you ever have a word or a phrase that rolls uninvited through your head over and over? That happens to me quite frequently and I’ve learned that it usually has to do with communication right to my spirit. I feel it is one of the many ways that the Lord talks to me. The word that has been just constant the last several days is:
I looked it up to see what the exact definition is and basically it means, no fixed shape and yields easily to external pressure. There is a huge message in that.
How often does scripture state terms like “stiff-necked” or “hardened their hearts” or “his heart was hardened”? I’ve not ever counted them all but I know it is a bunch. I know I do not want to be that way and I know I do not want to rail against the Lord’s will but so often I want my own way. This circumstance, for me, is exactly that.
However, when I ask myself if I would rather our son-in-law not be ambitious and not seek to provide well for his family the answer in my heart is a no. And when I think of all the beautiful scenery and the new and wonderful experiences and new friends they will all make it makes me happy. But. Myself.
Do I have a choice? Can I make them stay? Do I want them to miss out because I want to selfishly hold them right here? No. No, I don’t.
I’ve said it over and over. Letting go is the hardest part of motherhood. At least for me anyway.
Fluid. Trust. God has a plan. Part of His plan was for me to raise a daughter that knows and loves Him and loves and cares for her family. I raised her to be independent, and confident, and determined. I’m so proud of who she is and I’m so thankful for this new adventure and I’m going to choose to trust the Father with what is next for all of us.
I hurt much because I love and am loved much; therefore, the distance between us will be painful. But to keep her here, to hold any of my children right here would mean they would miss their own life journey. I want to see them fly. I raised them all to absolutely soar. My prayer is that I’ve given them roots that are as strong as their wings.
My own journey is not over and in some ways it is just beginning. I sense the spirit within me moving ever forward and I choose to loosen my grip and trust the Lord. He is so faithful and He is so good.
Water that sits becomes polluted and stagnant.
Water that runs becomes purified and clean when it runs through rocks and black charcoal and other obstacles.
It is painful but I choose fluid over polluted.
More to come… Praise Him, Praise Him, the story is far from over.
Fly my darlings and know that I will remain ever here, cheering you on and watering your roots.